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03 September 2012 @ 06:58 pm
guts [nine]  

Title: Guts
Author: atl340
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: PG-13
A/N: yes really

previous chapters here


---

‘Wake up sleepy head’

Groaning loudly and trying to swat away Alex’s hands, Jack tried his best to open sleep-swollen eyes. He was confused to find it was still dark outside and flicked his eyes over to the clock with an even bigger groan leaving his lips.

‘Are you serious Alex?!’

Feeling a pain in his neck from sleeping on the sofa all night the younger boy groaned, threw himself face down into his pillow and tried to ignore Alex’s poking and prodding because he was just so tired. He’d spent most of the night on the hammock with the older boy, talking and trying to get him to sleep and it was fucking 7:40 in the morning and Jack needed at least another 5 hours before he could be coherent.

It wasn’t to be though, not when Alex whispered ‘Jack, please..’ in that soft and guilty way he did when he knew he was getting on the younger boys nerves. And Jack sighed into his pillow then because every day when they were at home they ate breakfast at 7:40, and the older boy was just trying to cling to that. As much as Jack wanted to tell him no, absolutely not, he knew he couldn’t. He wanted to sleep but he wanted Alex to be okay much more, and so with a sigh and a little groan the younger of the two sat up, mumbled ‘okay, okay’ and stretched out his limbs in front of him.

It was much harder to get up early in the winter, because it was still dark outside and it looked so cold, and the sofa was warm and inviting and if Jack could have it his way he’d stay in with Alex and watch movies all day and stuff. He rarely got things his way though, sighing at that as he climbed to his feet, doing his best to give Alex a smile given that the older boy was still shuffling from foot to foot and biting his lip guiltily.

‘It’s okay’ Jack said again, yawning before he leaned down to sneak a kiss to the other boy’s hair.

Whilst Alex tried not to blush Jack slumped through to the kitchen, groaning again when he remembered the empty cupboards. The first thing the two boys had written down on their schedule for the week was to go shopping, but Jack would’ve killed for a coffee right about then, anything to liven him up a little.

‘Do you wanna come to the store with me?’ He yawned, adding ‘You don’t have to’ afterwards because Alex did that anxious lip biting thing again.

‘I..no, I’ll come with you’ He nodded, and he didn’t look entirely convinced by his own decision but Jack nodded anyway.

‘You get any sleep?’

He remembered how restless Alex had been last night and by the bags under his eyes Jack guessed he hadn’t slept at all. The older boy confirmed as much and Jack sighed and felt a little bit useless, because the whole sleep thing was one of the few problems of Alex’s that he could never seem to do anything about. He just had to hope that despite the unfamiliar bed exhaustion would eventually get the better of the older boy and make him sleep.

For now though Jack just passed the other boy his coat and waited while he fastened the zipper before they both left out of the back door. The younger boy didn’t exactly know his surroundings well but his mom had shown him where to find the local 24 hour supermarket, and so on foot and in the dark he tried to remember his way to it.

It was ice cold out and Jack could see his breath in front of him. He noticed Alex shivering and if he thought the older boy would have let him he’d have wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer, but he wasn’t sure that he’d get away with that and so he settled for brushing their fingers together instead, almost questioningly and he smiled when Alex linked their fingers together fully and looked at him with a blush that was nothing to do with the cold painting his cheeks.

He was just so..cute, and Jack was proud and giddy every single time the older boy took the leap and held his hand. Because as with everything it was a gesture that was second nature to most people, not a big deal at all but it was huge for Alex and Jack knew that.

And he decided that he was going to make today a good one even if it killed him because the older boy deserved it, and maybe when he thought about it a little harder they both deserved it. Because dealing with Asperger’s alone and trying to manage it constantly was a little bit heavy duty for two teenagers, too intense and too dramatic and it took its toll, it definitely did. Though Jack knew it was something that was never going to go away, for a day at least he didn’t want to think about it and he didn’t want Alex to think about it either.

He just wanted to make him happy.

---

Their plans for the day were pretty cute, if Jack said so himself. As much as he longed to be curled up with Alex on the sofa, spending the day at a reindeer rescue sanctuary was also a pretty good way to spend his time he supposed. Given that they were in the depths of winter doing things outside was kind of a no-go, and Jack felt a little dumb for not having realized that sooner. Oblivious to it being minus 5 out he’d been promising Alex hiking and fishing and all the other outdoor stuff that the older boy seemed to like, and only this morning when the both of them had fallen on the ice more times than they cared to remember just walking to the store, Jack had realized they were going to have to rethink things.

And so that was an immediate spanner in the works that made the younger boy want to punch himself in the face because he’d spent the best part of two hours last night drawing up a timetable of their activities in order to give Alex some comfort, only to completely scrap it less than a day later and throw the older boy back into uncertainty. That really wasn’t the way to keep a person with Asperger’s calm and pleasant and yeah, Jack wanted to smack himself.

But as was happening more and more lately, Alex surprised the younger boy. There’d been the initial deer caught in headlights horror, the nervous lip-biting and the shuffling from foot to foot, and Jack had been sure a meltdown was only moments away but at crunch time, the older boy simply let out a deep, shaky breath and nodded in that I’m freaked the fuck out but I’m trying for you way he did so often lately.

Jack’s heart was still singing now, and he let the older boy know how proud of him he was once again as they paid their money at the entrance to the reindeer sanctuary. Alex’s already wind-whipped cheeks tinted a little darker into a flush that travelled down his neck and he ducked his head and avoided Jack’s eyes.

‘S’no big deal’ He said softly, though they both knew it was. ‘I..this is better than hiking, actually’.

Alex had a little soft spot for animals, though with his Asperger’s getting a pet of his own was pretty much out of the question. Jack wondered why he hadn’t thought of doing this earlier and he smiled and let his fingertips brush against the older boys just gently, testing the waters, and though Alex didn’t hold his hand he did smile and squeeze the pads of Jack’s fingers quickly in response. On another day the younger boy might have been a little disappointed but he was just going to have to be grateful for whatever he got today, given Alex was being such a good sport about the whole messed up routine situation.

‘C’mon’ He said cheerfully, ‘Reindeer to see and all that good stuff’.

Alex really liked the sanctuary, probably mostly because most other people were too smart to leave their houses in the current weather and that meant it was quiet and that the older boy had plenty of his own space. Jack was glad of that too, considering his one and only aim for today was to keep Alex chilled out and happy.

But other than the emptiness, the older boy also seemed to just really really like the reindeer. Jack sort of felt like a parent taking his kid to Santa’s grotto or something, the way Alex was grinning like a Cheshire cat and cooing over the animals.

As part of the experience they were allowed to feed the reindeer some carrots, but even though Alex absolutely refused to do it himself Jack didn’t mind much. In fact he’d have been pissed if the older boy would have allowed a reindeer to lick his hand and not Jack. Not that he often wanted to lick Alex’s hands.

In any case, the older boy seemed to actually be having fun, and he wasn’t panicking or looking over his shoulder every two seconds and it was nice, for the both of them.

He was happy to hear Alex echo his thoughts when they sat down to eat in a diner at lunch.

‘I don’t wanna jinx it or whatever but, I-I feel like things are getting a little better, y’know? I mean, I know it’s never gonna go away completely but, I just.. I guess being here is showing me that I can do it y’know? ‘Cause I’m so far away from everything I know and yet.. I’m not completely freaking out’

Jack was completely smug as he ate his food, ‘That would be because your best friend is a miracle worker of course’

Rolling his eyes Alex gave him a fond grin and shook his head, ‘You’re so humble’

He laughed when Jack pouted, sitting up a little straighter in his seat and looking at Jack’s hand with that trepidation he always did before he reached out and grabbed it.

‘I know how lucky I am though’ He said softly, cheeks flushing with vague embarrassment, ‘I don’t.. I don’t really know what I’d do without you and- stop looking so smug Jack! I’m trying to be serious here!’

The younger of the two laughed whilst Alex grumbled and folded his arms.

‘I wish you’d stop doing that because I really wanna say this’ He pouted, and Jack sobered a little, leaning forward and saying a silent apology.

Alex sighed in acceptance.

‘I just..I know how much of a handful I am- more than a handful, actually, and if the tables were turned I don’t know how I’d do what you do every day. Not even my own parents can understand why you do it..’

Jack frowned and was about to speak up but the older boy continued.

‘I know you’re gonna say that it’s not so bad or whatever but, it is, and..and I don’t think you really understand how much you do for me but.. I do and, i-it’s really hard for me to show it to you but I…urgh’

And he cut himself off with a huff of frustration and Jack knew he was struggling to articulate, eyes noticing immediately when the older boy’s fingers curled just the slightest way into his wrist.

‘Alex’ Jack warned curtly, grabbing the boys hand and looking at him in warning. He knew that because of the Asperger’s Alex sometimes struggled to put his thoughts into words, and that in turn it frustrated the older boy massively but that was no reason to hurt himself.

He sighed and linked his fingers with Alex’s own, satisfied when the older of the two didn’t pull away and giving a soft smile.

‘Take your time Lex’ He coaxed softly, and the lighter-haired boys furrowed eyebrows eventually smoothed out.

He sighed, shrugged his shoulders.

‘You’re all that I have’ He said quietly, ‘I-I don’t ever wanna lose you’

 And it caught Jack off guard, it definitely did because Alex wasn’t one for saying things like that very often. It’s not that he didn’t feel it- Jack felt sure that he did- it was just that he had trouble expressing things like that verbally. The younger boy felt a little prickling in his eyes and his throat closed up but he forced it all back because he didn’t want Alex to misunderstand his emotion, forcing a smile and stroking his thumb across the older boy’s palm.

‘I’m yours’ He promised.

---

By the time they got back to the cabin it was 5:00pm, and whilst Alex started making dinner Jack threw himself down on the couch with an over-exaggerated yawn because he was so tired, and the cold weather was starting to get to him, sinuses a little blocked and head a little stuffy. He’d never been happier to be indoors.

‘You liked the Reindeers huh?’ He asked, turning over onto his back and propping a pillow behind his head so he could watch Alex in the kitchen. The older boy smiled at him.

‘Yeah, they’re cute’

‘You’re cute’

Alex did the usual stumble over his words and furious blush before he mumbled ‘shut up’, Jack laughing and climbing to his feet, making his way through to sit at one of the chairs around the kitchen table with a smirk on his face.

‘You’re very cute actually’ He continued, grinning triumphantly at the colour on Alex’s cheeks, ‘Didn’t I tell you to get that blush under control?’

‘Didn’t I tell you I hate you?’  The other boy shot back, and Jack just leaned back in his chair with a giggle.

‘Actually I believe what you said was that ‘I’m all you have’ and you ‘don’t ever wanna lose me’

‘Hey’ Alex pouted, face sobering ‘Don’t make fun of that’

The younger boy rolled his eyes and stood up.

‘I’m not making fun, I just like making you blush’ He smiled softly, shifting from foot to foot with a hint of nervousness ‘Any chance I can get a hug?’

Alex raised an eyebrow then, though it was with a tell-tale smile gracing his lips, ‘You’re pushing your luck today huh?’

Pouting, Jack murmured ‘Please?’ and held his arms open, something like butterflies in his stomach when Alex sighed with a smile and stepped into his embrace.

And the younger boy couldn’t help but to be reckless for a moment, to wrap Alex up tight in his arms, nuzzle his nose into the crook of the lighter-haired boy’s neck and just sigh to himself because fuck, he loved him so, so much.

And it was nice to hold his world in his arms, even if it was only for a moment.

---

Monday was good, and so was Tuesday. They were getting closer and closer the longer they spent here, Jack could feel it. They stuck to their normal meal times and waking up times, but in the spaces in between Alex was trying different things, trusting Jack and doing his best to be okay with everything and it was good, because stuff was always so heavy between the boys and it was nice to just be teenagers for a little while, to not let Asperger’s consume either of them. Those first two days seemed almost too good to be true really, and maybe somewhere in the back of Jack’s mind he wondered if it could last.

And as he would soon find out, that little doubt was justified.

It all started to unravel on Wednesday.

Because on Wednesday, Jack was just so, so tired. And he was sick too, his stuffy nose having developed into full blown blocked sinuses, stuffy head, high temperature and swollen eyes. It’d been manageable for the past couple of days but when his alarm went off at 7:40am on Wednesday Jack could have literally cried. His head was pounding, his throat felt like razor blades and he was lying in a cold sweat.

He felt horrible.

And what he certainly didn’t feel like, was going out and entertaining Alex all day.

And that, was where the problem lied.

There really was no reasoning with the older boy sometimes, and Jack knew before he even broke the news that things were about to turn nasty. He remembered the time when he was sick and couldn’t make it to college, how instead of asking him if he was okay or telling him to get well soon, Alex had thrown a hissy fit and acted as though Jack had done something wrong. It was a lot more than wishful thinking to hope that the same thing wouldn’t happen again, because the younger boy knew it was definitely going to.

And true to his suspicions, when he told Alex he was too sick to go out the older boys face turned white as the snow falling outside.

‘W-what?’

‘I’m really sick Alex’ Jack sighed apologetically, and he winced and cursed stupid fucking Asperger’s because he felt like shit and he just wanted Alex to hug him and make him feel better but he knew one hundred percent that because of this the older boy wouldn’t be touching him at all today.

‘But.. y-you said we’d go out’

‘I know Alex’ He groaned, ‘But I feel like total shit and I really, really can’t go out today. I’m sorry Lex, we can.. we can watch some movies okay? Whatever you want-’

‘You promised’ Alex cut in, and his eyes were starting to become angry, ‘We made the schedule’

That fucking schedule, Jack had to take a breath to keep himself calm, though when he spoke it was through slightly gritted teeth.

‘Alex look at me’ He gestured to himself, not having to look in the mirror to know he looked vaguely like a walking dead person, all off-white skin, bloodshot eyes and red-nosed. ‘I’m sick

Alex merely snorted.

‘So you make this schedule for me, change it on Monday with the stupid reindeer thing and now you’re changing it again?! What was the point Jack?! You lied to-’

‘Are you kidding me?!’ Jack shrieked incredulously, and it was so out of place in the peace of the cabin and it made Alex jump but the younger boy didn’t care. Alex had well and truly pushed his button. ‘You’re saying I lied to you?! I didn’t fucking plan on being sick Alex!’

‘Don’t swear at me’

‘Well stop being so selfish Alex! This whole trip is about you! My whole life is about you! I’m sorry if for one day I can’t conform to all your shitty wants and needs Alex but I can’t okay?!’

‘Jack-’

‘It’s so fucking hilarious’ The younger boy raged on, dripping with sarcasm and without a hint of humour. ‘I spend every moment of my life making you happy, thinking everything through in advance so that you’re never made to feel anxious or stressed or uncomfortable. When you’re sad I try and make it better, when you’re happy I try to fucking keep it that way and when you’re angry I let you take it out on me! Well what about me Alex?! Or is this a one-sided deal because I am always there when you need me, and the one time I need you and you can’t even give me a hug and at least try and make me feel better-’

‘You know I can’t’ Alex argued, though it was soft and unsure, his head slightly bowed. For once Jack didn’t take pity, simply shaking his head with tears stinging his eyes, tears because he was angry and angry because he didn’t want to cry in front of Alex.

‘Bullshit’ He choked out. ‘You can, but you won’t. There’s a difference Alex. It kills me to not be with you the way I wanna be. It kills me not to be able to touch you but it’s not impossible, just the same as it’s not impossible for you to pull your head out of your own ass and see that this isn’t about you, that I’m not doing this to fucking spite you and that I just need you! It’s not impossible, but you’re just too selfish to try the way I always try for you’

And a hot tear slipped over the surface of Jack’s cheek then because he was speaking the truth and they both knew it. He did everything for Alex and he was getting sweet nothing in return, and the word ‘patience’ sprung to mind but Jack shook his head because no, this wasn’t about patience. He’d had endless years of patience with Alex, endless years of being the boy’s mental punching bag and giving up his own life in order to try and help Alex live his own. Fucking years of just wanting Alex so desperately, loving him so deeply and having the younger boy pick him up and drop him whenever the mood took him.

He was selfish, and the word felt so alien in relation to Alex but it was true, wasn’t it? Because the older boy was so concerned for himself that he didn’t understand that Jack was the one who needed taking care of today. He was too concerned for himself to see that Jack was crying out for his best friend.

 The reality of it all hit the younger boy like a tonne of bricks, and he bit hard into his lip and shook his head.

‘Maybe I don’t mean that much to you after all’ he whispered, voice rough and wavering and jagged. The tears were coming faster now and Alex’s nose was practically on the ground. He looked like a little kid being chastised, guilty and sorry. His previous anger was nowhere to be seen now but Jack didn’t care either way.

Once again, Alex was breaking his heart.

It was so mangled now that the younger boy wasn’t sure what to do with it.

‘Y-you promised me you were gonna try’ He whimpered, ‘You promised and you lied, so please don’t try and turn this around on me. I-I’m not taking the blame this time’

‘Jack-’

The younger of the two shook his head, wiped the damp from his cheeks with the back of his sleeve.

‘I can’t do this’

---

He was stupid.

He was so fucking stupid, and as Alex panted for breath with his back against the bathroom door, arms puddling in blood at his sides the brown-haired boy didn’t know what to do with himself. That fucking itch was still burning under his skin and he wanted nothing more than to tear his forearms apart, but he couldn’t bare to dig into them again, knowing he’d yelp in blistering pain because this was the furthest he’d ever gone before, the deepest he’d ever sank his nails into his skin, the most he’d ever scratched and torn and mangled in pure fucking anger at himself because he was so fucking stupid.

He sunk to the floor with his head in bloody hands, crying because of the pain and because of the itch that wouldn’t go away and because of Jack, and his heart was as wrecked as his arms when he thought of the older boy because he’d made him fucking cry, made him think that Alex didn’t care about him, didn’t love him more than anything else in the world.

‘Maybe I don’t mean that much to you after all’

That’s what Jack had said and the older boy made a noise of pure anger and frustration, nails curled for attack with nowhere to go. He trailed them across his thighs with force but it was no fucking use because of the thickness of his jeans, and he thought about taking them off but he was just too fucking messed up and panicked and scared to do anything other than just put his head in hands and scream silently, grit his teeth together to the point of pain and pull at his hair and that was good, that was a sharp pain to his scalp and he pulled harder, strands coming away in his hands as he tried desperately to catch his breath. His body was shuddering, both from the pain he was causing himself and the terror coursing through him at what he’d just done to Jack, a new round of tears falling when he thought about the younger boy.

He was just so stupid, and Jack was stupid too, to ever have put up with his bullshit for this long. He was stupid for not giving up on Alex a long time ago and the truth of that filled the older boy with unbearable grief. Jack had done this whole trip for him. He’d gotten up at 7:40am every day for him, he’d endured a bunch of activities that he held no interest in for him, and what had he done for Jack in return? Called him a liar and acted like a fucking brat.

And he remembered how Jack had spat the word selfish at him and it was true, Alex was so selfish, weighing down on the most unselfish person he knew and he was just so sorry for what he’d said, how he’d acted, but he didn’t know if that would be enough this time. How many more chances was he going to get with Jack?

And he trembled even more when he surveyed his arms properly, because he’d just gone and done the thing that hurt the younger boy the most.

Stupid stupid stupid.

It was a mantra that Alex repeated over and over in his head as he climbed to his feet and dragged himself over to the sink, sobbing quietly as he ran the water and washed the blood from his arms. They looked better with the ruby liquid gone but, not by much. They were just new scars over old ones.

Splashing his face with water and then gingerly pulling his sleeves back down over the fresh cuts on his arms, Alex looked at himself in the mirror and bit his lip, cursing the stupid disease that was inside of him. He was letting it do exactly what he’d promised Jack he wouldn’t let it do; take over him, beat him.

He just didn’t understand, because he hadn’t been acting for the past 2 days. He really was doing okay in this new surrounding, with the new schedule and everything else that was new. He was and so why the hell had he freaked out so much today? He hadn’t done that when they’d had to alter the schedule on Monday, so why had he done it today?

He wondered idly if it was because on Monday they’d at least gone out and done something, whereas today Jack was suggesting they just stay in, just watch movies and… Alex shook his head. He was just making excuses for himself, because was it really such a horrible idea? To just stay in where it was warm and cosy and take care of the person he loved more than anything?

It wasn’t, it was an idea that made Alex’s heart ache because he wanted that so badly, and it killed him that he just couldn’t do it. But then, that brought him back to Jack’s earlier words:

‘You can, but you won’t. There’s a difference Alex.’

And maybe the younger boy was right, the way he was usually right about everything. Maybe Alex could but he was just too scared to. Maybe it was that refusal to at least try that was going to make him lose Jack eventually.

His heart was in his throat as he shook his head at himself in the mirror, before wiping his cheeks roughly and leaving the bathroom. His legs were shaking as he tried to climb the stairs and by the time he’d reached the top he was light-headed and almost disorientated, every nerve in his body trembling as he approached Jack’s bedroom, and when he heard the sniffles from inside he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the door, lip shaking as he tried not to start crying again.

‘J-Jack’ He whispered, and in the space of that one syllable his voice cracked and trailed off into nothing. He squeezed his eyes shut as he waited for the consequences of what he about to say, the air around him seeming thick and suffocating.

‘I-I did it again’

He knew he didn’t have to elaborate any further, stomach sinking when the sniffling behind the door stopped dead.

There was a long silence before the door opened, and when it did Jack looked at Alex with the coldest, most distant eyes imaginable, face red and puffy and swollen.

‘Show me’

He was going to protest but the tone of Jack’s voice said to do as he was told.

Avoiding his gaze at all costs the older boy slowly rolled up his sleeves, trying for Jack’s benefit not to wince at the pain that shot through him. When all the damage he’d done was out on show, he finally looked up to meet the younger boys eyes, wishing he hadn’t when he saw the anger and the emotion welling up in them.

‘How could you?’ He trembled, and suddenly he flew at Alex, shoving him at the wall behind him with such force that the older boy almost fell over.

‘HOW COULD YOU?!’ He screamed again, and he just looked so angry but so hurt and so vulnerable at the same time and Alex choked out a sob as he slid down onto the floor, and he was so scared of Jack in that moment and yet so sorry that he was making him this way.

‘Answer me Alex’ He spat through gritted teeth, and he was shaking with anger and all the words left the older boys head.

‘I..I don’t.. I-I’m sorry…’

‘You’re sorry?! Did you fucking listen to anything I just said to you an hour ago Alex?! You are so fucking consumed with yourself that you don’t give a shit about me!’

‘T-that’s not tr-’

BULLSHIT!’ Jack screamed, ‘You just sat there whilst I told you how fucking selfish you were, how just for today I needed you and what did you go and do?! The one fucking thing that kills me Alex! The one thing you know kills me. How can you still be so fucking stupid?!’

And the older boy flinched then because Jack always protested so furiously to anyone ever calling Alex stupid, and he’d just spat the word so venomously himself. He didn’t argue though, knew it was true and didn’t care anyway, just wanted so desperately to salvage this.

‘P-Please Jack’ He sobbed, chest heaving painfully, ‘I-I love you’

And he said it with so much conviction, so much pain and so much apology but Jack just looked at him without a flicker of emotion, shook his head and spat the words that shattered Alex into a million pieces.

‘I fucking hate you!’

And with that scream he opened his bedroom door and slammed it shut behind him, a thundering crack right through the house and Alex was left sobbing into his knees, trembling as he heard Jack smashing up the contents of his room.

And yet, it was barely 5 seconds before the door swung open again and suddenly Alex was wrapped up in Jack’s arms, the older boy sobbing into his neck and whispering ‘I didn’t mean that’ hysterically, over and over again whilst Alex tried to understand what was happening, not registering much other than that Jack was here and hugging him hard and he was Jack again, not the monster he’d been literally moments ago.

And the walls were down then, and Alex had no idea what was going on but he just cried, just buried his face into Jack’s chest and cried with him.

---

It felt almost like stepping outside after a storm, after the thunder and lightning gives way to calm and tranquillity. It felt like the air was cleared, and Jack would have betted that Alex could write something really beautiful about the atmosphere in the cabin right now, but said boy was otherwise engaged, still locked in Jack’s arms and going nowhere.

The two of them were still perched at the top of the stairs, the younger of the two leant against the wall whilst Alex was in his lap, head against Jack’s chest.

They’d been locked in that position for the past three hours, the younger boys fingertips running idly up and down Alex’s back and he’d tensed up at first, but now he was limp and relaxed against Jack, breathing so softly he might have been sleeping.

The younger boy was still shocked if he was honest, shocked that the situation had escalated as much as it had. Shocked that he’d pushed Alex, that he’d told him he hated him. Jack was disgusted with himself, but he was too worn out to cry about it anymore, to do anything other than bury his nose in Alex’s hair and whisper ‘I’m sorry’ for the thousandth time.

And for the thousandth time the older boy lifted his head and murmured ‘me too’, looking at Jack longingly.

The younger boy couldn’t help but to whisper ‘I love you’, and he didn’t say that often for two reasons. One being that it was obvious in everything he did every day that he loved Alex, and two being that it was very rare that the older boy would say it back, and though he knew that was nothing personal it still stung a little.

Alex didn’t say it back now either but Jack didn’t care one tiny bit. So long as the older boy knew he’d meant nothing of what he’d said earlier.

But instead, Alex went one better than saying those words back to Jack.

Instead, Alex kissed him.

The softest, sweetest kiss Jack could have ever imagined, and whilst the older boys hands were firm either side of Jack’s face, his lips were soft, feather-light perfection that burned against the younger boys long after the kiss ended.

And whilst Alex bit his lip with a shy smile and looked at Jack questioningly, the darker-haired boy tried to regain the ability to function, eventually letting out a disbelieving, giddy laugh.

‘Six years after we meet and I finally get to kiss you’ He grinned softly, still intoxicated by the older boy’s closeness as he rested their foreheads together, ‘You are sincerely hard to get Alex Gaskarth’

And much to his delight the older boy grinned back at him, looked down at the floor sheepishly so that his eyelashes fanned across pink cheeks and he was just so beautiful, so perfect and so fucking worth the wait.

‘We’re gonna be okay’ Jack murmured softly. ‘I promise you’

---

weee okay i hope that was cute
sorry i take the piss to update and all that.
also i have a new twitter so if ya wanna follow me click here!



 
 
 
jackshipsjalexjackshipsjalex on September 3rd, 2012 06:49 pm (UTC)
mjfreoihdnsimdkwhsj8idf aw this was so cute then they started fighting and it was saD? and when they made up wow perfect you're so good at writing never stop ok
Naomi Richmondbroken_capulet on September 3rd, 2012 07:54 pm (UTC)
so so so so so perfect
yzziiatlxo on September 3rd, 2012 08:38 pm (UTC)
jesus christ the tears omg the tears and all the feelings and just wow this is so so so so so fucking perfect i can't even believe, you seriously are basically like the best writer on the entire planet
kati0123kati0123 on September 3rd, 2012 09:01 pm (UTC)
god I think there's no words for this, I got scared that Alex will hurt himself more, but when he went and told Jack what he did and Jack got so angry, and the end, I've waited so long for the first kiss, and after what they told to each other and after this fight, simply just perfect chapter, thank you :)
F0reverBr0ken/Bonniejalex_bandwhore on September 3rd, 2012 09:20 pm (UTC)
jnkfndkjndsf tears when they were fighting and then tears for the end being cute.
katiemacx14katiemacx14 on September 3rd, 2012 09:58 pm (UTC)
Jesus fucking Christ you're one of the beat writers out tere literally this was so heartbreaking and cute but the heartbreaking again and CUTE AGAIN AND JIST BRAVO
baltimoreheartsbaltimorehearts on September 3rd, 2012 10:21 pm (UTC)
shit dude, this was perfect. like thank you so much for writing this, it's made my week in honesty. it's so fucking cute. the ending, I mean, fuck all of it's cute but they kiss! and hug and Alex doesn't freak and it's the cutest thing ever. I was sad they had a fight but at least Jack managed to let it all out and at least they made up (in the cutest way possible) dammit why are you so good at writing? I hope you update soon but if it takes ages to write the genius up there then take ages, love- it's fab.
xo
msterrysmsterrys on September 3rd, 2012 10:44 pm (UTC)
you almost made me cry infront of my family but the i cxfcghjnbvcgfhjnbvgfhj cause FUCKING AWWWWWWWWWW'S
scotchbonnetxo on September 3rd, 2012 10:56 pm (UTC)
TEARS. Seriously. :')
yourenotaheroyourenotahero on September 4th, 2012 02:00 am (UTC)
OH MY GOD I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE TO JUST CRYING WHEN THEN WERE FIGHTING AND THEN THE END MY HEART ASDLFKJALSDKJFLASKDJF
(Anonymous) on September 4th, 2012 04:24 am (UTC)
OMG YOU UPDATED! AGSJDAGLLFDH this chapter was amazing wow I love this story please update soon!
(Anonymous) on September 4th, 2012 05:02 am (UTC)
I'm crying so hard.
This is the best fanfic i've ever read, oh god! ALL THE AWARDS!
this is just beautiful oh my god, i don't even can with my feelings right now.
Please update soon, i beg you kdjfñlkdsjf i love you for writting this.
Best jalex kiss in a history ever.
Jessbarakarthjessbarakarth on September 4th, 2012 08:16 am (UTC)
Asfgekxbskzkabdfgnzjabzkakdhslzbsjz!
I fucking love this fic, okay!?!???!!
itsblaazzitsblaazz on September 4th, 2012 11:49 pm (UTC)
ok this was so fucking adorable and perfect i cant handle it akjdflaskdfjlasdjf
(Anonymous) on September 5th, 2012 03:38 am (UTC)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH omg ok, soo cute! Im literally in tears, this was amazing! I dont even care that it takes you eons to update, everytime you do it is so worth the wait! THEY KISSED! They screamed at each other..... BUT ITS ALL BETTER! I dont even know how im feeling right now, this is amazing. Keep going!

From: abbyliciousness (i just momentarily forgot my password :$)
Aada Lahikainenaadalol on September 5th, 2012 11:28 am (UTC)
oh mY GOD YOU'RE BACK OMG I CAN'T THINK STAIRGHT
OM GI'M SONBBIG HERE ESDLHBDS THIS WAS SO PERFECT I CAN'T HELPM E;__;
gaskarthlovemegaskarthloveme on September 6th, 2012 01:19 am (UTC)
Yes! So happy you updated! This was AMAZING. I'm just so in love with this story.
sophie.sophiegaskarth on September 16th, 2012 04:09 pm (UTC)
oH MY FUCKING GOD IM SCREAMING THSU CHAPTER
you are ruining my life

this is literally the story I've ever read seriously it beats books too omfg you're perfect help

THANK GOD THEY FINALLY KISSED OH MY GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY EMTOIONS ARE DOING
merrikat95merrikat95 on September 25th, 2012 03:34 pm (UTC)
I love this so much! Jesus christ your writing is so perfect<3
(Anonymous) on October 15th, 2012 04:20 am (UTC)
Please update this soon, I can't wait to see how it ends! :D
vinolaminevinolamine on October 17th, 2012 06:14 pm (UTC)
will you ever update this? I hope you do because it's beautiful.
(Anonymous) on October 27th, 2012 06:50 am (UTC)
Oh, my god. I am in tears, this was so beautiful and perfect and the best thing I've ever read. It's written so well and I really don't know what to do with myself now.
(Anonymous) on November 18th, 2012 06:15 pm (UTC)
this so perf, i miss it so much come back !!! :')
your writing is simply amazing

i love you so much for this ♥

fagsgarthfagsgarth on November 23rd, 2012 05:30 pm (UTC)
Bless you so much for writing this
Seriously it's so wonderful I'm so excited for the next chapter:) <3
(Anonymous) on December 2nd, 2012 09:43 pm (UTC)
S'perfect. Keep writing asdfghjkl;
sokaylilypants on November 10th, 2013 06:07 am (UTC)
Ughghghnwlange but when's the next chapterrrrrrr? Shit man I just come back and reread this story all the time because literally this is perfection.
(Anonymous) on February 1st, 2015 08:01 pm (UTC)
akjefukjbdskjfsa
omg that was aoeurgbaiwehkbdjkv i can't even ajebkdjbsadf the feels i know I'm reading this super late, like it's already 2015 but i just had to say, that your writing is amazing. :)
ROCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!: pic#116944863simplesum41821 on September 4th, 2016 05:12 pm (UTC)
love your stories